My gut feeling told me to ignore the messages and the invites, but I didn't listen. I attended another reunion organized by my high school friends. This time it was a smaller venue with around twenty people. People I swore I'd never meet or talk to again in this lifetime.
No I wasn't forced or pressured into the situation. It would have been easier if I decided to stay inside my comfort zone, made some lame excuse and not go. But I realized that I have been staying inside my comfort zone for a long time. Someone said that you have to push yourself in situations that make your hands sweat, your heart beat with panic and apprehension. That's the only time when you grow more as a person and learn more about yourself.
So I smiled and shook the hands of my high school classmates, talked about the significant milestones that happened in my life - getting married, having kids, and all that usual stuff. It felt good for a while, until one of them made a casual joke, recalling the time I was being bullied.
I kept smiling and waited for the conversation to shift to something more interesting. Part of me wondered if they still look at me as that weird pale-skinned sissy boy who got a lot of flak for being the most physically inept kid in PE class. I thought I made a terrible mistake coming to this reunion.
We continued talking after dinner. One of my classmates brought up the bullying issue again. He asked me if he ever did bully me and if he did, he was asking for forgiveness. Honestly I was not sure if he was one of those boys who made fun of me (there were so many I could not remember). I didn't want to make a big issue out of the situation so I said it was okay and it was no big deal.
I was grateful for the apology. It sounded sincere and I knew he felt bad about things that happened to me back in school. The truth was that he was not the worst bully in the room. There was another person in the reunion who made my school life totally unbearable. I wanted to confront him and tell him how his words haunted me for many years, and how I had to spend several more years trying to fix the damage he did to my self-worth and my self-image. But that never happened.
The reunion ended on a good note, with everyone feeling full and happy. Despite the apology and the talks, I doubt if I will ever come back to these kind of events. It felt like re-living a past that you wish never happened. I completely understand why some of my friends and classmates refuse to attend these homecoming dinners. They still hold on to past hurts and grudges like some glorious battle wound or priceless family heirloom. Perhaps these hurts are the only memories they have left. Perhaps they fear the scorn and judgement of people, as if they were still the same boy in school facing the same bullies in those empty corridors.
I have no regrets attending the reunion. I did come to the realization that some people do change for the better, some people still remain the same, and I should take whatever apologizes given to me. I would be lying to myself if I said I found closure to my "sad" high school life, but I think I have made some measure of peace with my past.
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